I'm a very interactive editor; if the author wishes, we become a team, e-mailing frequently, discussing aspects of the manuscript, tossing ideas back and forth.  I explain a lot, and offer alternatives whenever possible.  Even if the author prefers that I edit the manuscript in isolation and then present my finished work with an evaluation, there is much discussion prior to commencement of editing, not only to determine exactly what the author would like to accomplish in having me edit his or her work, but to build a rapport.  It's important that we trust each other.

While I can and do work on hardcopy, the bulk of my editing is done electronically.  I edit on-screen and transfer files and correspond by e-mail, so there is always an air of immediacy in any ongoing job.  The author can communicate with me easily; expenses are kept at a minimum; we are not at the mercy of postal or courier schedules.

Here, then, is what Mr. Saunders could expect me to comment upon and alter in his excerpt from A Dreadful Symmetry if he had requested a line edit:

William, you've done a good job of communicating the tentativeness often present in a budding relationship, and you have succeeded in portraying the protagonist, as the narrator, as someone who keeps a tight lid on his emotions. 

You've also created a strong character in his love interest; her superstitious nature and forthrightness come through well in her dialogue.  She is at once forward and old-fashioned, an intriguing combination.  As I read the excerpt, I found myself liking her and wanting to know what happens to her—a sign of good characterization, and an ideal set-up to create reader empathy when she dies later on in the story.  I found her much more impulsive than the protagonist, who struck me as rather strait-laced.  Although the protagonist suggests skinny-dipping and gathers firewood naked, I got the impression that this was a new venture for him, perhaps a reaction to the woman's spontaneity.  In all fairness, though, I would want to read the beginning of the story before pronouncing this with any certainty.

While it's ine, vitable that the two characters will fall in love, the disparity of the characters' backgrounds combined with the uncertainty of their current relationship keeps the reader turning pages.  The protagonist's concern that he has or will offend his love interest aptly reveals the feelings he has for her that he otherwise does not express.  I did find their relationship surprisingly chaste, the couple not even kissing until after his proposal. 

I did wonder, though, since she is obviously a character pivotal to the plot, why I did not know her name by the end of this excerpt.  I think, if you interspersed the character's name with the instances of "she said" used throughout the excerpt, it would add some variety to the dialogue tags.  Although writers are often advised to avoid descriptive dialogue tags that may distract the reader, I found the many instances of "said" in this excerpt just as distracting.  Judicious use of such tags as replied, asked, murmured and so on would not detract from the dialogue.

It's sometimes difficult, when setting up a story, to make it engaging for the reader.  Tightening the prose and avoiding passive voice are both ways that the writer can keep the pace up and keep the reader interested in the build-up leading to the "meat" of the story.  I suspect that there is room for some tightening in this story, and simply choosing active verbs over passive ones would help add the desired air of spontaneity to this whirlwind courtship.  Rather than saying "was working," say "she worked"; rather than "began to move" say "she moved."

Line 1 – Here is an instance where I would change "was working in" to "worked in." You could also probably cut "was not particularly good. It" and combine the first two sentences.

Line 3 – "Their customers were happy enough, the people of the town and their children…" strikes me as redundant.  You could probably pick one or the other, either "Customers" or "the people of the town and their children." I would suggest altering this to read "The people of the town seemed happy enough as they settled with their children along the wooden benches in the dark tent."

Lines 1-28 comprise one rather long paragraph.  I would break this paragraph into three or four smaller ones, just so there isn't such an imposing block of text for the reader to get through.

Lines 7-10 - I wondered, reading line 7, why a cage was not pushed out with the tiger already inside.  I think the tiger would appear more dangerous if it were never outside the cage.  Here, too, some revision could tighten things up and get rid of more passive verbs: "handlers pushed a cage to the middle of the ring and the audience watched the tiger pacing within it for a few moments.  Then a spotlight directed all eyes upward and there she stood, in all her finery." To add tension, you could go a step further and inject a phrase such as "my breath caught when I saw the tiger." Thus you would end with something like: "Handlers pushed a cage to the middle of the ring and my breath caught when I saw the tiger pacing within.  Then a spotlight drew all eyes upward…"

Lines 12-18 – again, quite a few instances here where passive language slows things down—"was" and "began to." I would rework each instance to make the action seem more immediate.  Rather than saying "I was childishly thrilled," perhaps describe how that feeling was expressed—a thrill ran up his spine, or "a thrill of childish pleasure made me smile." Rather than "It was astonishing" I would rephrase as "her transformation astonished me," thus both eliminating "was" and the "it" without an antecedent.  On line 16, "began to move" should simply read "moved"; on line 18, again, "began to pass" should read only "passed." Another reworking of lines 14 and 15 would eliminate the same thing; perhaps: "On the ground, at just five feet tall, she looked short, even squat."

Line 15, add a comma after "aloft"; on line 16, the comma after "pole" should perhaps be a semi-colon.  Line 18, a comma after "along"; line 19, a comma after roaring, insert "and" between "leaping," and "crashing" and end the sentence after the word "cage." I don't think the repetition of roaring and leaping is necessary.

Line 20-27 could use some smoothing.

I wonder about the children laughing on line 20.  Would they laugh, or would they perhaps shriek in mock terror?

I would alter "It was a sorry looking beast but terrifying too, because it looked hungry enough to eat her up, given half a chance" to read "The beast, though sorry looking, seemed hungry enough to eat her up."

I would end the sentence "Then a gasp ran around the audience" right here, and delete "before we realized what we were gasping at," which was awkward enough that I stopped reading long enough to wonder what was meant.  The shorter version of the sentence also serves to heighten tension.

Revise the sentence that begins with "Almost clear of the cage she had" on line 23 and runs to line 25 to read: "She had stumbled just steps from safety and now, wobbling wildly, she tried to regain her balance."

Line 26, end this sentence at "struggled," lose "and," and start a new sentence with "we"—again, the shorter sentences help build tension. 

Line 27, I would lose "And" after poise, start this sentence with "as," and add a comma after "danger."

Line 30 – I would end this sentence after "show."

Line 32 – I don't think you need the adjective "alarming" here; the fact that they leapt and snarled portrays that quite well.

Line 34 – Switch things around so that this reads "changed from her costume back into a sweater and jeans."

Lines 37-46 – there is quite a bit of repetition here: four instances of "said," and "So" starting two sentences in a row, not to mention the same line of dialogue repeated between the two characters.  I would change one "so" to either "well" or "now": "Well, you gave me a shock" or "Now we're quits.'" I would change her "Let's walk" to simply "Okay," and lose her dialogue tag altogether (there's no doubt who is speaking), and I would change his " ‘Yes,' I said" to "Yes," I replied.

Line 48 – insert a comma then "walking" between "town" and "along," then on line 49 delete "that led" after "road." Further along here, insert a comma after "As we went."

Line 52-56 – there is more explanation for the tiger's behavior than is necessary.  I would delete everything after "session" on line 53 to just before "But everyone thinks that" on line 56, and no meaning would be lost.  Also on line 56, I would insert an em-dash after "be" in her dialogue.

Lines 60-61 – perhaps alter this sentence to read: "We moved now along the cliff face that overshadowed the lake."

Line 72 – I would lose "she said" as unnecessary; we know who is speaking.

Line 74 – New paragraph at "She gave me a hard," add a comma after "hard" and then on line 75, capitalize "Then" and add a comma after; comma again after "back."

Line 76 – "swan" should be "swam"

Line 78-79 – I would add a comma after "without bothering to get dressed" and alter the description of the protagonist's construction of the fire to read ‘I gathered up some driftwood and lit it with my cigarette lighter.  She sat on a rock beside the small fire…"

Line 80 – comma after "breasts"

Line 81 – an awful lot of "its" here, and we've lost track of the antecedent for the last two, anyway.  To avoid this, perhaps rework to something like "She seemed clothed in a shiny black curtain and as she brushed out her hair, I spoke aloud my first thought:"

Lines 89-97 – I enjoyed this exchange very much.  It aptly demonstrates the woman's superstitious nature and adds a sense of foreshadowing.

Line 91 – I would lose "I said" as unnecessary

Line 95 – add a comma after "spell"

Line 97 – again, delete "she said" as unnecessary

Line 106 – comma after "day" and again after "hour"

Line 107 – perhaps a colon after "paper," insert ‘at' between "me" and "café," and add a period to "St."

Line 108 – commas before and after "at any rate"

Line 111 – I would lose the first sentence and alter this to read "When I arrived at the café St. Jerome, I found her dressed…"

Line 113 – I would lose "She was," change the period after "she said" to a comma, and move "all smiles" to follow here.  I would change "as well as" to read "and bought"

Line 119 – the phrase "rather than an icy silence" threw me off; had there been an icy silence prior to this? If so, it will need to be said.

Line 120 – change the colon to a comma

Line 122 – "I said" is unnecessary

Line 124 – "an" should be ‘and'; I would suggest using "intently" rather than "hard"

Line 125 and 126 – "stifled" means muffled, or suppressed.  Sucking hard through her teeth doesn't imply a muffled gasp.  Perhaps just say that she gasped.

Line 128 – here is a good place to use "I asked"

Line 136 – here, perhaps just "I walked her back to the circus" and add a comma after "parted"

Line 141-143 – this sentence could use some reworking, should probably be split into two.  Perhaps: "The following afternoon, as the quiet of siesta drew to a close, I sat in my room at the pension, reading and taking notes.  There came a light rap on the door."

Line 145 – perhaps change "presented herself" to "stood" and add a comma after "rigid," then lose "and." On line 146, I would end the sentence after "sit" and start the next one by adding "I." On line 147, I'm uncertain what a tooth mug is, but it sounds rather unappetizing.  Perhaps alter all of this to read simply "I offered her a glass of water, then perched myself on the rickety dressing stool." "She spoke" can be deleted as unnecessary.

Line 150 – period after "she said," capitalize "If" and add a comma after "me"

Line 153 – period after "twice over," lose "because" and capitalize "it."

After the long build-up to this climax, this last paragraph, from line 153 to 159, seems rushed.  The description of the action is terse, even jerky: "I proposed and she accepted.  We stood up and embraced.  She kissed me lightly and I put my hands on her behind.  She pushed me gently away." I would take some time to draw this out, to describe not just what took place, but how.  Did he propose awkwardly? Did he blurt it out? And how did she react? With a simple "yes," or more enthusiastically? Did their arms entwine? Did he slide his hands onto her behind? This is the place to create word pictures, to make the climax of this scene come alive.  Be sure, in doing so, to alter sentence length and composition in order to lose the "list" feeling of this action.

I would also start a new paragraph for her dialogue (line 157), rather than including it in the above paragraph.  Commas after "Gitane" and "you" on line 158.

I came to the end of this excerpt wondering how the relationship between these two disparate characters would develop, and curious to know what coincidence could turn this staid man into a believer in fate.  You have succeeded in capturing reader interest; now revise and polish to strengthen.